Many people will not be having a summer holiday this year. To make you feel better about staying at home, here are some dreadful fictional holiday destinations…
Mordor. Enjoy the invigoratingly evil atmosphere, party with the friendly Orcs and climb the scenic Mount Doom. Why not bring your unwanted jewellery to cast into the fire? How to get there: by an epic and hazardous journey on foot, horseback and boat. Return journey via the Eagles. When to go: ASAP if you want to save Middle Earth. Cost: one finger.
Wonderland. Indulge in height-altering substances, meet a variety of obnoxious creatures, forget your name and play croquet. Taste the delights of mad tea parties where you change places but never actually eat, be repeatedly threatened with beheading and cuddle the famous Jabberwocky. How to get there: through the looking-glass or follow the white rabbit. When to go: during nap-time. Cost: a pool of tears.
The Overlook Hotel. Luxurious rooms with a stunning view. Admire the blood splashed on the walls, chat to the ghostly guests and play hide-and-seek in the animal topiary. Why not visit the basement and see the pressure gauge creeping up on the ancient boiler? There is also a licensed bar, if you want it enough. How to get there: follow the winding road in the Colorado Rockies. When to go: before it snows. Cost: your sanity.
Giant Country. Sleep under the stars in this exotic natural wilderness. Have dinner with the pleasant tribe of native Giants, who will welcome you to their bellies, oops, I mean country. Ample supplies of snozzcumbers ensure that vegans are also catered for. How to get there: in the pocket of the BFG, or alternatively by Army helicopter. When to go: ASAP if you want any human beings left in the world. Cost: a nightmare in a jar.
The Year 802,701. Frolic with the Eloi and sample the delicious fruits of this futuristic paradise. Mingle with the Morlocks in their underground clubs. Why not take a sightseeing trip to the ruins of civilisation and speculate gloomily on the fate of humanity and all its futile achievements? How to get there: build a time machine. When to go: any time. Cost: your time machine (unless you hide it somewhere safe from the Morlocks).