Fictional dates from hell!

Happy Valentine’s Day. I expect that most people who’d usually celebrate the day aren’t going on dates this year, at least in the traditional sense, because either there’s nowhere nice to go or you can’t meet up with others. Never mind – here are some fictional characters you’d never want to date anyway!

Gollum. He would take you to a dark wet cave, with raw fish for dinner, and wouldn’t give you a present because he’d want to keep it. Also, he’d be arguing with himself, out loud, about whether he should kill you or not.

Any of the Mr Men characters. Mr Greedy would take you to an all-you-can-eat restaurant and only have eyes for the food. Mr Lazy wouldn’t even turn up for the date. As for Mr Tickle, best not go there…

Miss Trunchbull. Her idea of a date probably involves javelin, shotput and hammer contests, with the loser (that’s you) swung around by the hair and then locked in the Chokey of Crunchem Hall Elementary School.

Marvin the Paranoid Android. Everyone’s favourite manically depressed robot would take you to look at the spaceship’s cheerful automatic doors, which he hates. Then he’d complain about the pain in his diodes.

Voldemort. If he doesn’t kill you outright at first, he will take you to a graveyard and get his cronies to watch while he uses dreadful curses on you. There won’t even be anything to eat. Don’t ask him in for coffee.

Miss Caroline Bingley. She would only go to the finest restaurants patronised by the aristocracy and expect you to pay for everything, while she sneers at people who don’t meet her high standards (that’s everybody, then).

Humpty Dumpty. You can sit on the wall with him. The evening would end with him getting completely ‘smashed’ but not in a good way. At least there will be dinner, providing you like eggs.