N S Ford

Tag: random

  • Risk: a poem

    I want to play a game of Buckaroo,

    But the government says it’s a bad thing to do.

    I want to play a game of Cluedo,

    But that’s out of the question (so is Ludo).

    I want to play a game of Twister,

    But I don’t want to be labelled a resister.

    I want to play a game of Monopoly,

    But it wouldn’t accord with guidelines properly.

    I want to play a game of Trivial Pursuit,

    But that idea should get the boot.

    I want to play a game of Pictionary,

    But it’s best to be extremely wary.

    I want to play a game of Risk,

    But the government says it’s too much… risk?

    Now I’ve run out of games to rhyme,

    Best wishes to you this Christmas-time.

    I couldn’t resist writing this in late November after the UK Government’s scientific advisory committee suggested that families should play quizzes instead of board games this Christmas…

  • Why 5ive were the best 90s ‘boy band’

    Well, there goes my street cred. Hey, are you still here? Then welcome to this random post about 5ive (or Five), who were formed in 1997 at the height of the trend for manufactured pop groups known as ‘boy bands’ and ‘girl bands’. They were aimed at the youngest music fans, who could see their favourites on children’s TV and use their pocket money to buy the latest singles on cassette or CD. The choreography and the carefully-matched looks were just as important as the singing.

    By the time I was interested in current music targeted at my age group, the boy bands of the early 90s were already old hat and it wasn’t cool to like Boyzone, Backstreet Boys, Take That or East 17. The newest ones on the scene were A1, Another Level, *NSYNC, Westlife and of course 5ive. There was some kind of rivalry between the latter two, like Heaven vs Hell. In white suits, posed on stools, looking angelic, crooning their uplifting ballads, Westlife didn’t appeal to me at all. 5ive, in contrast, dressed in dark baggy clothes, were bursting with energy, shouted about everybody getting up (or was it down?) and projected a bad-boy image. They looked like they were having fun and not taking themselves too seriously. When we first got the internet at home, I remember waiting what seemed like a hundred years for a video – it may have been ‘Slam Dunk (Da Funk)’ – to buffer on the 5ive website. I just watched that one on YouTube and sure, the music and looks are not particularly original, the lyrics aren’t exactly Shakespeare, but it’s a feel-good tune which suggests youthful fun and high-jinks.

    5ive released three albums. I had the first and third ones on CD; the second one is on cassette – yes, I still have it. Invincible is a very good album, at least when measured against other 90s boy band fare. The tracks are all different, there are samples, mellow guitars, strings, a couple of ballads, even a cover of Queen’s ‘We Will Rock You’ (the album version is better than the one they released as a single). The best song is ‘Keep On Moving’, which is insanely catchy but also motivational. It was the band’s first number 1 single in the UK, and well deserved I say. The only songs which get the thumbs-down from me are the sinister ‘Don’t Wanna Let You Go’ and the bizarre ‘Mr Z’.

    You may suggest that I’m looking at 5ive with my nostalgia glasses on. That’s probably true, as with any music that was the soundtrack to one’s more carefree days. But for some reason, I was thinking about them and decided that they really were superior to the other manufactured bands I remembered. If you don’t agree, I’ll fight you on it.

    As with any group, you have to pick a favourite. Ritchie was the prettiest, with bright blue eyes and floppy hair. Sean was quiet and modest. Abs was cheeky and naughty-looking. Scott had the spikiest hair and reminded me of Sonic the Hedgehog. My favourite was J, the oldest and the leader of the group. He looked least like a boy and more like a man. He also had an eyebrow ring and a challenging stare. I wouldn’t have admitted to friends that he was my favourite, however, because it was conventional to like the ‘cutest’ boy (usually considered to be either Scott or Ritchie) and not the scariest, most macho-looking one.

    5ive split up in 2001 and have reformed a couple of times since then. It seems they are still around but there are only 3 of them in the group.

    Readers who haven’t unsubscribed in disgust at my music taste: did you have a favourite ‘boy band’? Were you more into ‘girl bands’? Do you secretly still like some of the music of your pre-teen years?

  • Tiny problems which are ridiculously annoying

    For no reason whatsoever, here are some small problems which I find disproportionately irritating. It’s not a definitive list, these are just the things that spring to mind.

    The point on a pencil breaks. I sharpen it. Then it breaks again. I sharpen it. Guess what? It breaks again. Maybe it’s a dodgy pencil, or maybe there’s something wrong with my sharpening technique.

    A shop assistant hands over the change with the coins resting on the note and all of it resting on the receipt. Cue the dropping of coins while trying to get everything into one’s purse, while other people are waiting to be served.

    Typos are everywhere. Even on my blog, I daresay. I see them on the BBC website, in nearly all of the books I read, in the subtitles of films. I try to ignore them but I’m just one of those people who pick up on details.

    Notification sounds on smartphones. Little beeps, chirps, chimes, whatever – they are all annoying and surely most of the time are telling the users something extremely important such as a ‘like’ on Facebook.

    Letters are sent to your house, addressed to someone who hasn’t lived there for a long time. Cross the address out, write on the envelope that the person doesn’t live here, write ‘return to sender’… and the letters continue to arrive.

    Shoppers at the supermarket pick up a bunch of bananas, pull one banana off it, then leave it behind. All these rejected single bananas had better be going to good homes.

    Cyclists on the pavement. Now, this is actually illegal in the UK (so not such a negligible problem) but I doubt anyone is ever prosecuted over it. What’s worse is when cyclists – usually teenagers – don’t even stop to let pedestrians go past.

    An empty toilet roll in the holder, with a toilet roll balanced on top or left on the cistern, as if it’s beneath anyone to spend a couple of seconds changing it. This doesn’t happen at my house, however.

    Do you find these little problems annoying? Anything to add to the list? If you’re interested to know what else annoys me, you might like this post.

    Image of a grumpy cat by Manfred Richter on Pixabay.

  • Why do people find clowns scary?

    Red noses, colourful baggy costumes, oversized shoes, white facepaint, wigs, bunches of balloons… and evil grins?

    It seems that clowns are often portrayed negatively in popular culture. I can think of many more examples of sinister clowns than harmless ones. Maybe the fear of clowns (coulrophobia) has increased because of these associations. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a clown for real (or if I have, I don’t remember) so my experience of clowns is through their presence in films, TV, books and music. Immediately I think of a scary figure with a smile like a knife slash, deathly white makeup and murderous intent. So what is it about the clown that terrifies adults and children alike?

    • Clowns’ human identities are hidden beneath exaggerated costumes and makeup.
    • A blood-red, extended mouth like a crocodile’s – a fake and dangerous smile.
    • The old-fashioned association with circuses, and by extension the power of the ringmaster with his whip.
    • They are supposed to be amusing, their antics thrust into our faces as ‘funny’, which has the opposite effect.
    • Their status as official pranksters means they can risk getting away with things.
    • Trying to gain children’s trust is now a suspicious thing for a stranger to do.
    • Clowns might single a person out from the crowd for humiliation disguised as fun.

    All this is of course rather bad for actual clowns today, as so many people are scared of them. I imagine the clowning business is not so lucrative as it used to be. Interestingly the ‘clown’ in Shakespeare’s plays was not a silly person in floppy shoes who ran around throwing custard pies. Rather, the clown might pretend to be dim but really he had the worldly wisdom to see things clearly.

    The great news for those with coulrophobia is that clowns are not very prevalent in society so the chances of encountering them frequently are not high. You’re unlikely to find them in your house, whereas sufferers of (for example) arachnophobia have it worse.

    Anyone out there not scared of clowns? Let me know.

  • 5 good things about early 2000s internet

    If you were online in the first few years of the new millennium, you’ll probably remember some frustrating things. It could take ages to connect to the internet and load up the websites. Videos took years to buffer (or that’s how it seemed). Sometimes there were boxes with red crosses in them instead of images. There wasn’t really a concept of safety awareness in using chatrooms and talking with strangers on the net. But there were also some good aspects too…

    Variety of information sources. Before Wikipedia became popular and the first website on your search results, it was more interesting to see what would turn up in your preferred search engine (which wasn’t necessarily Google). It’s hard to imagine it now that Wikipedia is our go-to for initial research into pretty much any topic. There were a lot of reference sites maintained by dedicated individuals, often with expertise in their fields. These still exist now, of course, but are not as visible in search results.

    Free music. Downloading MP3 files for free is not a cool thing to do because of copyright law and loss of royalties. However, back then, it wasn’t thought of in this way by a lot of internet users. Plus, most people still used CD Walkmans and not portable MP3 players, so the files were only useful if you played them on your computer or burned them to disc. The greatest benefit of free music was that you could get hold of b-sides and other rarities which would otherwise be very difficult and expensive to source.

    Personal websites. There were millions of amateur-looking webpages hosted with companies such as GeoCities and Angelfire. Today they would seem very basic, with horrible colour schemes, frames and no real purpose other than the excitement of having one’s own little corner of the internet. In a way, they were a forerunner of social media with their life updates and holiday photos. Some of them were more sophisticated. You could find some gems by clicking through ‘web rings’ or by following random links.

    Guest books. It sounds rather old-fashioned and polite now, but a lot of websites would have a ‘guest book’ for visitors to sign. Basically it was a comments section but usually not interactive. It was a nice way to let the owner know that you’d visited their site. Websites now tend not to have guest books, because there is either a comments facility or another way to give feedback on the content. Before the rise of social media, there were fewer methods of getting in touch with the writers or owners of websites.

    The internet wasn’t everywhere. It’s only quite recently that technology has improved enough for us to access the internet instantly on various portable devices. This is often a good thing but it does have disadvantages such as smartphone addiction and less time spent on physical activities. You’d access the internet when time and technology allowed and it wasn’t necessarily something you’d be on all day, especially if the phone line was needed or you were sharing the computer with other people.

    Was there anything you liked about early 2000s internet? Let me know in the comments!

  • Battle of the classics!

    I love to read ‘classic’ fiction. Although I know that e-books of many classics can be obtained for free, because they’re out of copyright, I prefer to read the printed versions. This leads to an important question: which edition should I read?

    In the UK, there are four main publishers who produce a wide range of classics and which can be found in many bookshops:

    Penguin Classics (an imprint of PenguinRandomHouse)

    Oxford World’s Classics (an imprint of Oxford University Press)

    Wordsworth Classics (part of Wordsworth Editions)

    Vintage Classics (part of PenguinRandomHouse)

     

    I will now attempt to pit them against each other.

    Let the battle of the classics commence!

     

    Round 1: Cover designs

    If I don’t like the cover, I won’t pick up the book. That’s the dreadful truth. Classics have to work extra hard on the cover design because if a customer doesn’t like it, they can look for other editions with nicer covers.

    Penguins are available in several styles now but I’m thinking about the ‘classic’ Penguin Classic – black cover with orange and white type. They look smart on the shelf, even despite any white scuffmarks. The images are always well-chosen and tasteful. Often they are taken from historic artwork but sometimes they are commissioned designs.

    Oxfords have had a classy white and dark red aesthetic since their rebranding. Of course, white has a tendency to show up the dirt. Like Penguins, their cover images are lovely. However, the image fragment that appears at the top of the spine is not so good. It’s just too small to be worth looking at.

    Wordsworths used to be navy blue, then they were a mid blue, and now they’re usually black. Like Oxfords, they have a spine image, but it’s more extensive so that the picture is clearer. The cover design itself is OK, but the appropriateness of the images can vary. I have seen some unpleasant-looking covers.

    Vintages have a distinctive bright red spine. Unfortunately the shade can vary and also fade, meaning that a shelf of these won’t necessarily match. Unlike its rivals above, Vintage avoids the use of historic artwork for the cover images, giving a more modern feel to the design. These tend to be patterns, objects or landscapes. Sometimes interesting, sometimes not.

    Round 1 winner – Penguin!

     

    Round 2: Editor’s notes

    Often when reading classics, I will find unfamiliar words, references, concepts or even other languages. That’s where the editor’s notes are valuable for helping me to understand what I’m reading.

    Penguins have the works: introduction, author bio, further reading and editor’s notes. I’ve found them to be informative and interesting. The notes are referenced using numbers, so it’s easy to find the corresponding note at the back of the book.

    Oxfords also have the same kind of material, which is again very helpful. The only disadvantage is that instead of a numbering system, asterisks are used. I find them distracting.

    Wordsworths have shorter introductions but that’s OK. Like Penguins, they use numbered endnotes. I’ve used these editions for texts that I studied at university and I found the material was adequate despite not being extensive. At £2 to £3 per book, this makes Wordsworths the best value for money compared to rivals.

    Vintages sometimes have very short introductions, but often they have none, letting the writing speak for itself. They tend not to have editor’s notes at the back, which is perhaps a way of cutting costs (no editor to be paid) but it’s not helpful for older texts. I reckon this makes Vintages the least value for money, as they are a similar price to Penguins and Oxfords, but without the extra material.

    Round 2 winner – Penguin and Wordsworth are joint winners!

     

    Round 3 – Readability

    When I pick up a classic, it’s important that the type is easy to read. Advances in printing technology have (I hope) made texts more legible. I also want my book to be typo-free, or as near as possible.

    Penguins are generally easy to read. I can’t fault them on text design and I have no memories of particular Penguin books being spoilt for me by pesky typos.

    Oxfords are great… if they’re the popular ones. I had a bad experience with a recent edition of George Gissing’s lesser known The Nether World. Although the modern additions of editorial material were easy-read text, the actual novel was in a horrible cramped type, very black and with huge margins. They obviously hadn’t bothered to re-set the type since the olden days.

    Wordsworths have a good layout. However, the type is smaller than Penguins and Oxfords, therefore not as easy to read. Also, my experience has been that Wordsworths have more typos.

    Vintages also have decent layouts. Unfortunately, like Wordsworths, they seem to have more typos. I have a feeling that classic texts just get reprinted and reprinted, from one edition to the next, without being thoroughly proofread.

    Round 3 winner – Penguin!

    I think it’s obvious who won the battle. Penguins may not be perfect, but they’re the dominating presence in the classic books market today and for good reason.

    *The Penguins do a victory dance while the Oxfords, Wordsworths and Vintages limp off the battlefield*

  • 5 cultural trends I want to throw in the bin

    Usually I wouldn’t dream of blogging about things that annoy me, for fear that people would find my opinions boring or even offensive. However, I’m throwing caution to the wind today and talking about a few cultural trends which have emerged in the last few years and which I’m very tired of. So here are five trends which I think it’s time we binned…

    Copycat books: Now, this might not be a new thing. Maybe authors and book designers have copied others for a hundred years, but I’ve only recently noticed how similar everything looks on the bookshelves. It seems that whenever a book is very successful, loads more copycat books are quickly published. I find this exasperating because I don’t want to pick up a book which has a similar title and/or cover to several others as it feels like I must’ve read it before. I know it’s a marketing shortcut for the publishers but it’s a trick that doesn’t work on me.

    ‘Skinny’ things: I think it’s damaging to label items of clothing as skinny. Also I really dislike the word itself. Despite the body positivity movement, society is still obsessed with being thin and the fashions tend to celebrate this. It makes you feel bad about yourself if you can’t squeeze into a pair of ‘skinny’ jeans or if you don’t choose the ‘skinny’ drink option at a café. Trousers in high street shops are now available in a more varied range of styles than a couple of years ago but the really tight ones are still dominating the population’s legs.

    Cardigans without buttons: Sometimes called ‘edge to edge’ cardigans, these garments are useless if you’re in the cold or wind because there are no fastenings on them. This is probably cost-cutting posing as fashion. Several years ago, long cardigans with proper buttons were in fashion. They were warm, practical and stylish. Now, there are only short, thin cardigans with tiny buttons that I struggle to fasten, or long cardigans without any buttons. And no, I can’t just sew them on, because I’m rubbish at sewing.

    Extreme tattoos: Tattoos are mainstream now and are more popular than ever. This appears to push some people to further stand out from the (inked) crowd. The most recent trend to hit the headlines is eyeball tattoos. Gross and potentially dangerous. There’s also a trend for extensive ‘blackout’, in which large areas of the body are completely inked black. There’s nothing wrong with creating your own look and showing your individuality but I wonder if some people are going extreme just for the shock value.

    Salted caramel: We’re told to cut down on salt. Therefore, salted caramel becomes flavour of the decade. Ordinary caramel wasn’t good enough. The combination of sweet and salt flavours is irresistible to most human palates. Along with sweet chilli, coconut and peanut butter, this flavour dominates our snacks. It wasn’t always this way. I reckon that salted caramel will be the default soon, so that it will just be called caramel.

    Do you agree with me? Have I dissed all your favourite things? If you’re a wearer of skinny jeans and buttonless cardigans, with purple eyeballs, an obsession with salted caramel and like all of your books to look and sound the same… Then I hope you enjoyed this blog post 🙂 

  • Recipe for a psychological thriller!

    Do you fancy cooking up your own psychological thriller? Then follow this handy recipe! Cooking time: 6 months to 3 years, depending upon the time you have available and how strong your motivation is. Difficulty level: high.

    Ingredients:

    • 1 – 4 narrators, unreliable
    • 1 – 2 police detectives, if desired
    • 1 method of transport
    • 6 pieces of evidence
    • several twists
    • 2 tbsp suspense
    • a pinch of paranoia
    • a handful of secrets
    • blue, yellow and black colouring (for the cover design)

    Instructions:

    Place ingredients in a contemporary domestic setting.

    Mix well and add expletives to taste.

    Cover with lies and refrigerate for 300 pages until thrilling.

    Cut into short chapters and garnish with a title. To save time, choose from two or more of the following words: girl, the, tell, me, train, gone, sleep, woman, you, see, on, I, behind, in, eyes, lies. Alternatively, choose your own words.

    Best served cold.

  • Pineapples and toilets: Weird books from my shelf

    Confession. I own some books that are just a bit eccentric. Unlike the respectable volumes of classic fiction, reference guides, poetry and popular science which gaze serenely from my bookcase, these misfits flaunt their weirdness and take pride in not matching the rest of my collection. Here are a few of them…

    The Pineapple. This non-fiction work by Fran Beauman is exactly what it says on the tin (…of pineapple). It’s about pineapples. I don’t even like pineapples that much, but I think fruit generally is ace. This book is about the nature, cultivation, culture and social history of pineapples. I probably bought it in the discount section of Waterstones.

    Flushed with Pride. Modern sanitation is a wonderful thing. This thin yet interesting book is about the famous plumber Thomas Crapper and the business he founded. I think the history of toilets and sewerage is fascinating. First published in 1969, author Wallace Reyburn is similarly enthusiastic about the topic, although he does start talking about cricket at one point.

    Walt Disney slownik angielsko-polski. This colourful dictionary doesn’t really help you to learn Polish, or indeed (American) English. However, I’ve always enjoyed the illustrations, some of which are quite funny. I was given it as a present many years ago. Like a lot of books in the 1980s it was printed in West Germany, before China became the main printer.

    The Cucumber King. In an Oxfam shop about ten years ago, I found this children’s story from the 1970s by German author Christine Nöstlinger. I admit that I actually bought this book because of the awful cover, which shows a creepy model of the eponymous King. He’s not scary-looking at all in the interior illustrations. I like the story too.

    I-Spy Minerals Rocks & Fossils. I was contemplating a career as a palaeontologist at one point, a long time ago, because I liked collecting fossils. I found it amazing that creatures and plants could turn into stone over the millennia. The concept of the I-Spy series was that you get points for spotting various things for real, but sometimes I would exaggerate and tick off something I hadn’t seen. I hoped the Michelin Man (the series mascot) didn’t know about that.

    SMTV Live. If you watched children’s TV in the UK between 1998 – 2003, you’ll probably be familiar with this programme. When I watched it, Ant & Dec and Cat Deeley were the presenters. Parodies, jokes and games (Wonky Donkey, Splatoon, Challenge Ant) would be followed by a music show, CD:UK. Whenever I pull this book off the shelf, thinking it’s finally time to get rid of it, I start reading it and laughing. It’s full of hilarious interviews, fake adverts, viewers’ letters and slightly rude stories.

    Are there any odd books on your shelf? Maybe they don’t ‘fit in’ with your collection but you like them because they’re different?

  • Bicycle Spearing Potatoes… and other party games

    In the 1920s, a delightful charity fete was held in the gardens of a grand house. The event was reported by the local newspaper. I read it because it related to some people I was researching. Fascinatingly, the games were listed…

    They had ‘Guess the Mystery Pie’ (they never revealed what it was… Cherry? Banoffee? Blackbird?)

    They had ‘Guess the Dolly’s Name’ (was it Amelia? Gertrude? Shaznay?)

    They had ‘Guess the Weight of the Cake’ (three pounds? Ten stone? A ton?)

    There was tennis, charades and hat trimming. And plenty of hot tea to keep everyone refreshed. Lovely.

    But there was another activity I couldn’t get my head around: Bicycle Spearing Potatoes.

    Bicycle. Spearing. Potatoes. Three words that don’t really go together.

    I thought about it and I just didn’t get it. I found nothing on the internet (or at least, nothing easily discoverable). It was only several days later that I worked out what this game is.

    You ride a bicycle. You carry something long and sharp – a spear, say, or maybe one of those old-fashioned umbrellas with the very pointy tips. Potatoes are placed on the ground. You then pedal around, competing to stab as many potatoes as possible. Simply pop each potato into the basket on the front of your bicycle. Whoever collects the most ‘taters is the winner.

    To make it even more fun, you have to ride a penny-farthing bike, while wearing a long impractical skirt, and the potatoes are not the large baking-variety, but the tiny ones which are good in salads.

    Anyone want to try it?!